Lloyd I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken - Camera Obscura
Postcards from Italy - Beirut
Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
I’m writing this post from an undisclosed location, which will never be revealed because I’m taking a bit of a break. A break for myself, away from all the pressures of the show, of the outside world, of the media, who just won’t leave me alone lately. I can’t add any more friends to my Facebook account for a little while, either. I’m sorry.
I’m grateful for all of you, though. I know you try to protect me when people online spew the awful things they have to say about me. I appreciate you more than you know. I never had someone to defend me growing up, so to have that now, well, it’s irreplaceable. I couldn’t get through all this without you.
I’ve made this post private so not everyone can see it, and I would appreciate you all keeping this one between us. I’ve been feeling very raw emotionally lately, and I worry that the way I blog sometimes, which is really a stream-of-consciousness thing, is going to be misconstrued by the media. I want to keep being honest and write my truth here, on my own website, but lately it feels like everyone just wants to tear me apart.
And things are just so… complicated. No one ever prepared me for this growing up. That the world wouldn’t always be black and white. That there would be nuance, and shades of Gray. That we all make choices sometimes that maybe aren’t the best decisions, but that’s just a part of growing up.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to a few years ago and change everything. Tell young Yulia to make different choices. To get over herself and make the first move. Maybe things could have been different.
But then I’m reminded, as I am right now, that this is the life I’m living, and I have to make it work, even if it’s messy and complicated and not something I can really talk about with anyone. Not Ziggy. Not even Lucy.
The music gets me through, though. It always has, and I hope it always will. Like Postcards from Italy by Beirut, which is such an achingly beautiful song with more instruments than I can even pick out by ear.
And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine
Like waking up in the morning and putting on this song while I make coffee. Dancing to the accordion and the cymbals and the trumpets. The sun shining in on me. It couldn’t be all bad, right?
How I’ve been really feeling lately is exactly like Camera Obscura’s new song, Lloyd, I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken–
Hey Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken
'Cause I can't see further than my own nose at this moment
Maybe sometimes we need to be selfish. Maybe sometimes we’re allowed to not have foresight. To make choices that feel good in the short term, even if there will be consequences. We don’t always need to think about consequences. Sometimes we can throw ourselves into Lloyd, even if we know he’s going to break our heart.
Thanks for listening to me, as always. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon, whatever that means.
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